Break: Life or Heart
Break: Life or Heart?
A few years back, I was in a group coaching session with Noah Bello when he analyzed two extreme ways single people responded to being single.
- They act like they do not care and unconsciously block out opportunities they crave.
2. They become so obsessed with dating that they do not do due diligence.
The more I focus on lifestyle holistically, the more I realize these extremes are not limited to single people but all of us when we want something (anything that cannot be instantly purchased off a shelf).
With relationships, we want it now or not at all (at least, that is how we act)
With friendships, we never want to conflict, or we chase brutal truth.
With finances, we want to follow the process, but we hate the process.
In summary, we hate the tension in between that comes with waiting.
This was not something I first saw with my clients but with myself. I would want something as little as cake, but the thought of ordering from a new company and imagining how they would fail me would make me give up. I would hate that I had to give up my craving, but I would also be stuck on how badly it could turn out.
I began asking myself what was my biggest fear in the situation. Well… it would be terrible, I would hate it, I would have wasted my money, and I would be heartbroken.
IS THAT ALL? Well, if you do like it? If it turns out to be what you want? How would you feel?
Hoping for anything is scary because you have to live in the tension — what you have, what you could have if you do not give up and the consciousness of how everything could be terrible if you do not get it.
Everyone hates the tension but without the tension, all you presently have is all you will get.
This becomes even more tricky when it comes to important things like healing from our trauma, working away from those trauma bonds and fighting for the life we want.
The tension here is usually relational — the friends who know too much, the environment we grew up in, the partner who hurts us but at least knows how to make up for it…etc.
For some of us, it is not so visibly negative — we just deal with little emotional blackmails here and there, tiny disrespect and a little toxicity at the office… really, it is nothing we cannot manage.
All of these experiences cause tension within us. How do we draw boundaries and level up without hurting?
A few years back, a coach I vaunted (a sponsor at the beginning of my career) got in my DM on LinkedIn to say something uncivil about my weight gain. Interestingly, it was after I lost my father and my grief was manifested as fatigue. So, I naturally gained weight.
A few months later, he sent a similar message with even less civility on WhatsApp. Another time, he sent a message to my business WhatsApp number asking “Is the sex the reason you are getting fat?”
At this point, I had the choice of taking his jokes at face level, allowing this person to continue to body shame me, or I had to draw a boundary.
We often stay stuck on what was once good because we do not want to break our hearts. Well, one or two heartbreaks will not kill you if that is what you are worried about.
Severing a relationship that has become toxic is painful because of the good memories, but you have the choice between a broken heart (present) and a broken life (future).
In this story, I was choosing the courage to stay on a career path people would not stop harassing me about.
I had people asking me questions like “Do you sleep with your clients?” and I had potential clients who did not want to be talked to but wanted to be touched sexually by me. It was so severe, that I could not dare add elements of massage therapy into my courses even for couples.
So, when I drew the boundary, I was stopping him from contributing to my daily stress. I like him and I still appreciate what he did but I will not trade the rest of my career as a ‘thank you for yesterday’.
Where are you self-sabotaging because you are afraid of heartbreak?
Heartbreak is a common terminology for emotional pain. As a therapist, I have seen, heard and read of people who traded and are still trading their lives to avoid heartbreaks — mothers who would not leave toxic marriages because they do not want to be divorced, fathers who would not leave toxic women because they do not want to be accused of abandonment, ladies who would not leave an abusive boss because he/she apologized and boys who would not walk away from their friends because they do not want to be ostracized.
These are common stereotypes and everyday examples you can identify everywhere. I am asking you though, what would you rather have? A broken heart or a broken life?
About two years ago, there was a TikTok clip of a young lady getting flogged by her boyfriend in front of his friends and the young lady kept begging him not to leave her. Crazy story right? Till you notice how many times you have returned to that friendship where they flog self-esteem out of you.
I just hope you know you can love people and still have boundaries.
We are so scared of being heartbroken that we will hold on to relationships that can ruin our lives because of the sheer sentiment of being a fighter.
Like we say in Nigeria “Who fighter epp?” It means who has fighting helped?
You had better be fighting in places where people are fighting to keep you sane otherwise, you are not a fighter but a cowardly submissive who is hiding under the banner of “Fighter” to keep from confronting the chaos in their lives.
If you have to lose some relationships and positions with tears in your eyes, you better do it and stay sane.
How do you know a place is toxic for you?
- Does your esteem increase or reduce?
- Do you trust yourself to figure stuff out or instantly feel stupid?
- Do you feel motivated or otherwise?
- Do you feel like your life is significant or do you wish you could die?
- Does the thought of dying feel more attractive when you are there?
- Do you feel liked or tolerated?
- Do you fight hard to be seen and heard?
Well, your answers above tell you what the place or person is — toxic or not.
Get heartbroken choosing more or get heartbroken staying stuck — your choice.