Dominance: cannot be measured in isolation.

People crave dominance in relationships because of the assumed benefits — everyone is clamouring to be the alpha.

Get online and search ‘alpha’ — you will find millions of alpha male and alpha female fictions, communities, account handles, self-help books, dating tips etc.

The concept of dominance is exciting when you want to give the final command and want to be feared and adored.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be at the top of the social ladder, especially when we all know creatures at the top of any ladder have more options in food, opportunities, acceptance and partners.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines dominance as the quality of being more important, strong, or successful than anything else of the same type.

This presents an interesting dichotomy — the dominant is not always the strongest, most important or successful, except the parameter is a confined environment.

This also means dominance cannot be measured in isolation.

Every time you say, “I am an alpha male or female, and that is why I do not have…” you are contradicting yourself because you cannot get a dominant position without other people in the picture.

With human relationships as the focus of this writing, I wonder if many of us are as dominant as we claim

• How are you the dominant when you have no one else who responds to your power?
• How did you measure your dominance if you had never been with someone more powerful than yourself and retained your power?
• How did you come into your power without growth?

I will not endorse or disprove the Alpha theory, but I will bring to your notice what dominance means because, in reality, some people do occupy more space and command more respect.

Power

I am sticking with dictionary definitions and not going into any etymology. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines power as the possession of control, authority, or influence over others.

Let us not disregard the synonyms of power, such as authority, jurisdiction, control, and command.

• Authority implies power for a specific purpose within specified limits.
• Jurisdiction applies to official power exercised within prescribed limits.
• Control stresses the power to direct and restrain.
• Command implies the power to make arbitrary decisions and compel obedience.

Power Play

People are multifaceted. Power is the ability to control, authorize and influence people. Power is thus multifaceted in operation.

The president of your country might be able to authorize a war but not seduce a specific woman. He can coerce and bully her based on his position, but he cannot seduce this particular woman.

In that scenario, he is politically powerful but not sexually powerful with that woman.

To exercise dominance, you must understand your type of power and the jurisdiction of that power. Power in human relationships can be political, sexual, intellectual, emotional, physical or social.

This is why you can have a taciturn colleague who speaks once in every team meeting yet always gets their suggestions voted on — social, intellectual and political power play at work.

This means that the most powerful person in the room is not always the person everyone is listening to at the moment but the person who can influence their choices when they leave that room.

Jurisdiction

This is where “dominant” people become abusive — you do not have jurisdiction without approval. You do not get to give commands in relationships you do not nurture or have access to.

You are instructing your colleague like she is your younger sister — she is not! You are using your authority in the wrong jurisdiction.

You go seducing another person’s partner and get in trouble because you are out of your jurisdiction.

I know you are the parent, but this child has never come to you when in emotional distress — you do not have power where their emotions are concerned! Every time you try to command them to confide in you, it will not work because you are out of the jurisdiction of your power.

Jurisdictions are won by trust, but trust is not a gift.

Even in a sexual relationship where BDSM is a norm, there is consent given about how far is too far — that is jurisdiction.

To function outside the approved jurisdiction is abuse.

Control

You only have control in your jurisdiction.

Every day on social media, we find a man trying to control a stranger he has no relationship with about how she should function. We are all guilty in different ways — wanting to take control where we will not take responsibility.

• Bosses who want their staff to work round the clock but will not pay overtime that allows the staff to go back to school and meet their goals
• Parents who want their kids to stop being friends with certain people but will not provide what those relationships used to provide
• Spiritual leaders who want to decide what you should be dedicated to but will not cover the bills while you focus.
• Partners who want to decide what you wear and show them but will not take responsibility if the content leaks.
• Friends who want you to show up a certain way and not embarrass them but will not cover the cost

We try to instruct people, restrain them or release them to do things for us that we are unwilling to take responsibility for.

If you cannot bear the responsibility, you do not deserve to control it.

Command

A person can call shots (commands) when they have the power to influence an approved jurisdiction and decide to take responsibility for the implications of the shots they call.

When your boss walks into the office on Monday morning and says, “Take down the company website”, you do not assume (s)he is trying to sabotage the company. Instead, you wait for what crazy idea is coming next. Why?

• This organization is their jurisdiction.
• They own the organization and have veto power (except there is a board that needs to meet)
• They pay your salary and are useful to you.
• They will take responsibility for whatever goes wrong in this scenario

You do not call shots where no one knows you, listens to you, benefits from you, willingly submits to you, or trusts you.

There is a caveat: when there is a vacancy for control, it will be taken. This is usually the slot for tyranny.

When people do not take control (responsibility) for their lives and jurisdiction, they leave room for anyone who will dare to take it. More often than not, that person is an abuser.

Sham Dominance

I call it a sham because it is as fake as it gets — it is when a person projects dominance as a mask for their internal cowardice and low self-esteem.

This type of dominance only works in a room full of people with identity crises — a typical case of the one-eyed man leading.

This dominance resents accountability, does not request permission (it knows it cannot obtain it) and seeks to usurp control (it cannot influence in real-time).

Sham Dominance is what plays out during bullying, emotional blackmail, sexual blackmail, and all forms of abuse.

War crimes such as serial rape are a typical example of sham dominance — they attempt to destabilize an opponent from fighting again by going outside the jurisdiction of the war. If victory was sure and the opponent was fully conquered, they would not require emotional and sexual battery.

Sham dominance in everyday life is attempting to correct and command people you will not protect if given the opportunity. It attempts to sit in power as long as it has to make no sacrifices.

It is wanting to be seen and revered as the commander but wanting no part of the problems in the group.

A sham dominant will:

• Leave you in times of trouble
• Never fight others for you or even fight you for your benefit
• Never take responsibility in the relationship
• Be Narcissistic
• Gaslight, blackmail, and dehumanize you with every opportunity
• Need you to feel good about themselves
• Not serve the relationship.
• Never meet your needs fully (even if they can) — they need something to dangle before you that keeps you returning.
• Only pleasure you if it will enslave you to them and cut you off from other people.

Real Dominance

Even the mere word dominance sounds large and protective.

Dominance is attractive only to the degree that it is protective.

People will tolerate a jealous partner if it indicates marking their territory and protecting the relationship. This means jealousy is not what is attractive but what the jealousy represents.

Dominance is thus not attractive simply because a partner charges like a wild bull but the reason for which a partner displays their dominance.

I heard the story of a manager who asked a rude customer to leave for disrespecting a staff — that was a display of his dominant position, but it will always be endearing to his staff because he was protective.

Yet, I was in a girls-only boarding school where my seniors punished the entire school in an attempt to assert dominance when about four boys from a mixed-sex school came to visit my school — it was funny for those of us who were used to seeing boys.

Two scenarios with leaders exerting dominance and getting different responses. Perhaps a good measure of your dominance is the reaction of the people. Sometimes, you tend to look more like a clown than a dominant.

If you must play the alpha card, then play the protection card.

Being Protective

Protection is not dramatic and aggressive. Your subordinate (professional) and submissive (sexual) know when you are protecting them — you do not tamper with their self-esteem.

Another day, another time, we will talk about the Dom and Subs relationship. If you have any questions, anonymously ask me.