Relapse

Relapse

People think healing is a straight line that keeps ascending. If that were the case, life would be easy and not require discipline, forgiveness and self-evolution.

When you begin to heal (heartbreak, abandonment, addiction, sexual trauma…name it), you are likely to experience a relapse — a retrogression that seems to be leading back to what you are trying to heal from.

Do we aim for retrogression? Absolutely not! However, beating yourself up because of a relapse is proof that you did not study up about healing or you have no grace for yourself.

Every relapse frustrates us because it highlights our illusions around personal discipline. Imagine that you brag about being analytical and never emotional. Yet, here you are, masturbating because you feel a certain way.

If we pay attention to our relapses, we will find a few nuggets

1. The need the addiction meets: every time that need is left unmet, you are likely to return to that addiction. This is why you should track your healing journey and the needs arising.
2. The coping mechanisms used: every relapse is proof that you are dealing with something — whatever you relapsed to is your coping mechanism (substitute for the need you did not meet).
3. The severity of the need: this determines the intensity of the substitute (coping mechanism) which is what escalates into the addiction or the negative behavioural patterns.

Case Study

Tim loses his mother and decides to focus on work as he has no time to be a weeping kid. This means he sleeps off immediately after he gets home and does not have time to be sorry for himself.

Soon, Tim becomes the employee of the month, gets promoted and takes on more responsibilities as expected.

After five years of being a workaholic, Tim thinks overworking is normal and even brags about his accomplishments in a short time except Tim cannot understand why his girlfriend Ashley complains about him missing their dates.

Whenever he fights with Ashley, he tells her to leave if she wants to. One day, she eventually leaves.

Tim has no time to be heartbroken with the regional director position within his reach if he successfully pulls the project in front of him.

Interpretation

1. Situation: Grief
2. Medication: Work
3. Result: Numbness
4. Reinforcement: Professional promotions
5. Coping Mechanism: Detachment
6. Healing tool: Reconnection (dating)
7. Fear: fear of abandonment & loss
8. Trigger: The Breakup
9. Relapse: increased medication & increase in coping mechanism

Handling relapses with grace

1. Be honest about the problem — you need a therapist to drill down to this many times.
2. Be willing to meet your unmet needs.
3. Know your coping mechanisms and why they exist. That way, you understand what they mean the next time.
4. Track yourself so you know when a relapse is coming
5. Unpack every relapse with your therapist to know what it was saying
6. Make up your mind to heal regardless of how many relapses you have.

A relapse is proof that you are already healing — it is no longer your normal, but the exception.