Submission

Submission

For a long time, the word submission has held a negative connotation. Just yesterday, I read an article about entrepreneurship and again, an inability to submit to authority was boldly listed as an entrepreneur’s trait.

I beg to differ on the subject matter — A person who cannot follow does not understand how to lead because they will not know how to negotiate with their followers if given the opportunity.

Flawed leadership is discouraging. However, if you cannot separate yourself as a person from your leadership, you are the one with the problem. Both leadership and followership require negotiation skills any day.

I love how the Cambridge Dictionary defines submission:

1. The act of allowing someone or something to have power over you.
2. The act of accepting the power or authority of someone else.
3. The act of formally sending a document, plan, etc. to a person or group in authority so that they can make a decision about it.

All definitions show that submission is a choice you make by allowing or accepting. Submission is not shoved down your throat.

It is not submission if you did not consent to it.

Submission versus Control

If submission requires consent, how did it become interchangeable with control?

Again, I am sticking to the Cambridge Dictionary definitions of control:

1. To order, limit, or rule something, or someone’s actions or behaviour.
2. The act of controlling something or someone, or the power to do this.
3. The ability or power to decide or strongly influence the particular way in which something will happen or someone will behave, or the condition of having such ability or power.

This means control comes from above, while submission comes from beneath. If each person has autonomy, why does the person beneath hand over their individuality to be controlled?

Why control happens

Neediness: every human has the desire to be significant and wanted in relationships — it is both a biological and social need that determines the quality of life we get. In the article, Toxic People Can Love Hard, I highlighted ways you you succumb to abusive relationships because they meet a need you have.

When you are needy, you are vulnerable and susceptible to being abused by whoever meets that need. Hence, the reason to be picky about who meets your needs.

Professionally, it is easy to argue that you have no needs. Well, here are a few questions to consider answering:

1. Why do you have to work at all?
2. What would your life be like if you were to get laid off today?
3. What is the implication of a full-blown disagreement with your boss?
4. What are the benefits of working where you work?

Can you now see how your job meets your needs? Because of these needs, you will tolerate being controlled at your job if you do not know how to assertively negotiate.

Irresponsibility: it is significantly easier to let someone else make decisions for you because you do not have to take responsibility when things go wrong.

This is such a frequent phenomenon sexually and with projects, professionally — people abscond from responsibilities. With sex, it plays out as one partner not verbally consenting or always leaving their partner to infuse new adventure into the relationship. With work, it plays out as members of staff who cannot be bothered with the company meeting its ROI.

Whoever takes the reins, makes decisions and calls the shots takes responsibility for their actions, but they simultaneously get the authority and the power.

Authority and power in a situation are directly proportional to the responsibility taken in that situation.

I am sure you have heard the idiom, He who pays the piper calls the tune. For years, I thought that idiom was about shaming the piper until I realized the person who pays expected a certain kind of result when they paid — they invested.

You cannot leave your significant other to make all the decisions and complain about being controlled. You cannot sit at the staff meeting every week and make no contributions. You cannot abscond when there is responsibility and point fingers — you do not get that right.

Untested trust: a person does not get your trust simply because they have a title. Unfortunately, that is how many of us have been culturally raised to behave — If Mr A is older than me, he is always right.

Our tendency to trust people simply because they are older than us, have higher positions or are more powerful in a sense leaves us blind to their antics.

We are more likely to gaslight ourselves than we are to point out the toxic traits of superiors. This means we will allow them to control and sabotage us because we want to avoid conflict by all means.

I always say, “Abuse is a norm when unquestionable power meets ignorance. Our job is to educate and empower the Ignorant so they can identify abuse, point it out, and collectively fight toxicity when they individually don’t have enough power to fight.”

The problem is not them being toxic but you being ignorant. To thrive, understand how to play the power game even when you are less powerful.

Control versus Accountability

We are not always our most disciplined selves and require external help to stay disciplined and take responsibility for our lives. However, this external support cannot replace personal integrity.

To be accountable to someone is to give them the information they require so they can help you stay committed to the things you decide to stay committed to.

To be controlled is to be unable to commit to anything outside of the permission of a specific person or environment.

Punishment: This is created to deter you from having negative behaviours or habits.

Punishment during accountability happens when you break a promise to yourself.

These punishments are usually fines and denial of entertainment. Whatever the punishment, it does not trigger you but leaves you uncomfortable till you act on your word. Examples: not buying yourself anything or not watching a movie.

Punishment in a controlling relationship happens when you attempt to have autonomy.

Punishment in a controlling relationship tampers with you emotionally — it causes you to question your worth. These punishments range from silent treatment, emotional blackmail, verbal abuse, sexual starvation, ostracism, reputation destruction, gaslighting and even physical abuse.

How Accountability Becomes Control

Consistent lack of personal integrity: when you keep failing at upholding your promises, your accountability partner unconsciously stops being your equal and moves into the position of a parent to enforce discipline. If that continues long enough, they might give up on you.

However, if that position of power feeds their desire to be in charge, you might have unconsciously fed their beastly side and shown them what it feels like to be in control.

When they have had that control long enough, every time you attempt autonomy, you threaten their power, and that is when the clashes begin. A good example is when protectiveness and possessiveness are left unchecked in romantic relationships until they evolve into domestic abuse.

Ignorance and Norms: it is normal for all authority to lie with the leader in some environments where people never get educated about their rights. Thus, every form of autonomy is considered rebellion.

Leaders are automatically accountability partners, but this can quickly evolve into control when the followers are the leader’s self-esteem booster. To risk losing a follower is thus risking reduced power.

It is only natural for such a leader to use all manipulative tools available to control followers.

Fear of conflict: people know when accountability to a colleague or superior is switching to control, but the unwillingness to confront the situation will allow the buildup to become very intense till they completely lose the courage to confront it.

Accountability versus Submission

Ideally, accountability is submission. It is when you authoritatively make decisions as a person and you ask an equal who has earned your trust to stand by you as you power through considerable difficulty.

Submission is having power but realizing you are not necessarily the captain of this ship. It does not mean you are not a captain elsewhere; it does not steal your voice or self-esteem.

You submit when there is someone else who can do better than you because they have more skill, experience … resources than you. We keep getting into trouble because we are submitting to people who lack just like us or worse than us.

Signs you are getting controlled

Just in case you missed the entire article

1. You have no autonomy.
2. You are terrified of their response to your suggestions or decisions.
3. You know the punishment they will mete out even though you never agreed to that punishment verbally.
4. You do not think you can talk to them about their behaviour.
5. You constantly want to leave them but fear what they will do to your reputation.
6. You are happier and more expressive when you are away from them.
7. You feel like you cannot survive without them. Worse, they always tell you that you cannot.
8. You are jealous of people who can do things on their own; you feel like you can be like them when you leave here.
9. Your suggestions come off as disrespectful and always escalate into a fight.

Many times, it is abusive when it feels abusive (especially when you cannot negotiate a change of terms).

Today, I wrote for the subordinate — watch out for my post on when the superior is the Abused.