I have sat through therapy sessions with my clients who mourn not being accepted for who they are. Mind you, they are not lazy people hiding behind personalities or zodiac signs to cover up their misbehaviour — they are just young people who want
- their profession to be acceptable to their parents and loved ones.
- their high libido to be accepted by their partners
- their standards to be accepted by their partners
- their opinions to be accepted during team meetings
- their suggestions to be taken during their hangouts
- their standards to matter.
Someone is fighting to be accepted at every level. I opine that no one is immune to attention and affection. Yet, I believe mere acceptance is what we settle for when we cannot get what we want.
If people complain about acceptance, how can I boldly say they do not want acceptance? I want them to be true about what they want and ask for it with tax on it.
The Oxford Languages Dictionary defines acceptance as the process or fact of being received as adequate, valid, or suitable.
We often stop at merely being received that we miss what we are being received as.
This is why you work at your dream company but are dissatisfied — you expected to be received differently. You are finally dating your crush, but the relationship feels lopsided because you are received differently from how you expected.
- What do you mean when you ask to be accepted?
- Why are you upset when you feel rejected?
When the acceptance conversation comes up, people often end the argument with, “Can’t you just accept me because I’m human?”
They could! You would be part of the 8 billion people on this planet that you and I do not know because we do not have access to them — we talk about their existence, but we do not care that much.
It sounds brutal until you ask yourself what you have done about all the wars and genocides going on around the world?”
Can you see it? You campaign online, but when push comes to shove, you do not know the names of these 8 billion people.
So, to be fair to yourself and your future ambitions, you need to reconcile with wanting more than to be accepted as a human being.
When you ask for acceptance, you ask to be seen, heard and considered valuable. You ask to be respected!
Well… respect is not a gift but a reward. You earn respect for being a certain way, living a lifestyle, doing something and knowing how to act.
Respect is mainly given when you exceed the set expectations or opinions.
This is why you instinctively begin to question your worth when someone (whose opinions you value) rejects you:
- Am I enough?
- Am I worthy?
- Am I really that out of place
When you are accepted, you have a sense of pride because it reaffirms how significant you think you are.
You do not want to be accepted in the room and given a seat just because there is an empty seat — that is Pity. You hate to be pitied; your pride forbids and loathes it.
You want to be given a seat at the table (accepted) because they respect you, value your opinion and think highly of you.
You want significance, not acceptance.
The next time you want to be accepted into a group, find their bar and pass it (if it will not break your values). However, this means you now have a reputation to protect.
This, my friend, is how social significance works and is also why neglect has such a high negative effect on you — it causes you to question your worth.
Benefits of significance
Professional growth: when you are noteworthy professionally, not only do people ask your opinion, but they recommend you. They trust you, stake their reputation for you and invite you into rooms you did not know existed.
Romantic option: people only romantically recommend those they respect to their family members and friends. This means you get five to fifty people pitching you where you would otherwise struggle to meet three to five new people amidst your busy schedule.
Relational value: you can rebuild your shield of love and pour into others because they trust your judgment and are more likely to ask you for help when in distress — you become equal.
Self-love: it is harder to love yourself with rest, money and time when you have to make ends meet. More significance means even on break, someone watches out for your interest, and you still have the power to make moves.
Driving desire: significance is not a primary drive, but it is still somewhere on the list. The fulfilment of that need allows you to feel great about yourself, focus on what counts and explore how to meet other priorities.
Where have you been craving significance but acting like it does not count?
Humbly know your needs and then work towards fulfilling them appropriately.
Balance your read
- Shield of love: build the circle that keeps you significant.
- The beauty of ignorance: significance comes from mastering your lane.
- Loved: love ought to be productive.
- Work heals: never be ashamed of loving work.
- Dodge mode: significance is not an escape route.
