When the subject of sexiness arises, people are quick to outsource the responsibility to lingerie, perfume, some outfit or a body type but that is inaccurate.

Being sexy is part of your person! If I wrap you in linen sheets, you will be sexy. If you only wear lingerie, you will be sexy. If you wear a three-piece suit, you will still be sexy. Why? Being sexy is part of your person.

The interesting thing is that a person can be sexy and be unaware. Just like a person can be handsome and not feel handsome or not be aware that they are handsome in a specific environment.

Do you ever run IQ assessments on people before speaking with them? My guess is you don’t. But, you do know a lot of intelligent people, right? How did you know they were intelligent?

1. What they said
2. How they said it
3. Their unique thinking process
4. How they engaged with other intelligent people
5. How they engaged with people they knew more than.

How do you know a sexy person?

1. Their knowledge of self
2. Their sexual creativity
3. Their flexibility of mind
4. The way they engage their sexual partner.

This means a person can look sexy, and feel sexy and yet not be sexy. Being sexy is not something you know at first sight — you have got to engage the person to know.

A person can be successfully sexually promiscuous and not be internally sexy. A person can be a virgin and be very internally sexy. Sexiness isn’t measured by sexual activity but by sexual intelligence and creativity.

Now, let us see what it means to feel sexy

Feelings, change.

That is the first thing you need to know. So, you will not always feel sexy.

When people tell me they do not feel sexy, I am not quick to say “Buy a red thong”. That would be a rude assumption. I want to start with why you do not feel sexy and what your definition is.

Some people stop feeling sexy when they stop performing certain activities like exercising. Some women stop feeling sexy postpartum and the list goes on.

All these reasons are valid. If we find out why you stopped feeling sexy then we know what story we need to rewrite.

But, some people have never felt sexy. Why? Well, their definition of a sexy person is likely what we need to find.

Ask yourself honestly ‘Do I feel sexy?’ if your answer is no, you might want to follow that with this question ‘Why don’t I feel sexy? Have I always felt this way? If no, when did I start to feel like this?’

It is safe to say we are all innately sexy when we tune in to our bodies. The problem is usually in our definition of who a sexy person is and our familiarity with performative sexiness — a desire to be sexy based on the standard of another person (this is where it gets tricky)

Performative sexiness

I am sure you have heard that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” and some of us hate the quote because how dare an outsider define our beauty? Well…

No one said you could not look, stare and swoon about how handsome or beautiful you look but we know for a fact that you will not spend the whole day looking in the mirror — people are the ones who will be looking at you the rest of the day after you step away from your mirror.

When you look sexy, it means you look sensually and sexually appealing.

Looking sexually appealing is not synonymous with nudity (nakedness is a subcategory of looking sexually appealing).

Men wear three-piece suits and some people want to rip those clothes off them. Why? It looks sexually appealing! There are women dressed up for work on Monday morning — no skin out! And they look sexually appealing. This paragraph is about eliminating the illusion that sexual appeal is merely found in nakedness.

When it comes to looking sexy, my question is who is looking? Your partner’s taste and definition of sexy is what comes into play greatly here. The way they respond to your look adds to the fuel of how great you already feel about how you look.

This is where sexual tensions show up in relationships — one party knows they are sexy and does not feel the need to look sexy and the other party looks at them but cannot see the sexy.

If you are in a sexual relationship, it helps to pay attention to your partner as long as you do not resent yourself in the process otherwise, you will begin to hate them and the relationship for how they make you hate yourself.

Performative sexiness becomes tedious when you are trying to level up your sexual energy for more than one person because that would mean you have multiple opinions and perspectives to cater to.

So, are you really not sexy or are you overwhelmed with opinions?