The privilege of friendship is ACCESS
People have brought us into their sacred spaces as friends and we cannot take that for granted.
Friendship is why we see people. It is why a physically absent friend can tell over the phone that we are emotionally unwell. It is why in a camp of over 7,000 people, our eyes will only search for one person.
Friendship helps us stop time to just look at each other, to be present, and to honour the other person with our attention.
One of the most fascinating aspects of being a friend is the privilege of living a story with someone else and being a custodian of their vulnerabilities — this is so similar to my job as a therapist.
The way people pour their heart out and give it to you to mould how you deem fit, the way they gush their pain and truth when you ask a question, the way the universe screams SHUT UP so you can hear another, should leave you in awe.
Between 2017 and 2022, my team at the Liza Express Wellness used to source stories of healing, grit, trauma, recovery etc and every time, those stories would call me to a place of humility and empathy. There was always a friend, relative, or coach who paid attention in a time of vulnerability and their subsequent response (even when it was a quiet “I hear you clearly and you are not mad for desiring that”) changed the trajectory of the other’s life.
The more I look around, the more my own words come back to me — we are all storytellers and we are all custodians of Life in our little spaces.
Imagine how much your friendships would change if you saw the sacredness in each conversation. Imagine how centred those privileged to call you “friend” will be if they can trust you to be their safe space. Imagine how grounded you will be if you never have to feel ashamed to spill vulnerable emotions to your dear friends.
As we begin the New Year, I am inviting you to the sacred dance of friendship where tears are beautiful and confusion is welcome yet power and growth are constant. I am inviting you to the culture of honour for this is the basis for our listening as friends.
Do not just listen because someone said “You need to do more than listen to respond”. I want you to listen because you honour the sacredness of your friendship. I want you to venerate the access you have to each story. I want you to pay attention because the moment will never return. I want you to learn how to love the boring rhythm of the mundane things that make up everyday life.
A few years back, I came home to Abuja and I had to see my friend. On our way home in the Bolt ride, she finally started to talk about the loss of her brother from the year before and her grief process. Unfortunately, we had gotten to my stop and the bill was reading. So, being prudent girls, we abruptly ended our talk with a very short hug.
As I got home that night, I knew I had chosen wrongly — I should have chosen my friend because I really had the power to do that at the moment. I should have paid more in cash in exchange for the access my friend was giving — one year of grief and she finally opened up yet I dare to rush home?
You might think I was beating myself up for nothing but that would be glossing over a few facts:
- I was leaving Abuja the next day so there was no opportunity to stay in that hug again for a few more months
- That was the most vulnerable thing she had ever said to me at the time
- We both could afford that ride
- There was no formula to what made her open so there was no guarantee it was happening again.
- I was trained for those moments
We found a way — I called her to apologise and we both never walked out on a vulnerable moment again especially if we could pay for it in cash.
This new week, choose to honour the friendships you have. Let your friends know loving them is an honour. Most importantly, do not shy away when your friends are asking to access your vulnerabilities especially when they have proven themselves worthy of the title “friend”
HAPPY NEW YEAR
If you have any questions, ask me anonymously.
This is me celebrating everyone who has honoured me with their story; every client, every friend, every parent,every teenager, everyone.. I’ve become a better woman because you taught me how to receive another’s tale in my heart and bear another’s pain in my words and love another through life. Thank you
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