Love needs a nap.

Love needs a nap.

In an exclusive dating class recently, I made the attendees pay attention to their needs — the embarrassing ones they could not admit to having. It was eye-opening as trivial needs suddenly became dealbreakers.

We are so familiar with our strengths that we leave no room for weaknesses to be seen or filled.

Professionally, Bosses who do not delegate run out of willing staff because no one wants to be subjected to the humiliation of having their whole work rewritten or publicly termed incompetent.

Romantically, this plays out as always picking up the slack when your partner leaves something undone (especially when it irritates you) that they had previously agreed to do.

With parenting, it shows up as your kids not obeying instructions because a part of them knows you will get it done and cannot stand it.

Whether you are aware or not, your perfectionism is retraining the people around you to be

1. Irresponsible: you seem responsible enough for everyone.
2. Lazy: they do not have to pull any weights to enjoy benefits.
3. Doubtful of themselves: they are so irresponsible that even though you love them, you cannot trust them with important things.
4. Careless: they do not need to find out what makes things work, as their opinions are inconsequential.
5. Dependent on you: they are fundamentally useless at that role/ space without you as a nanny.
6. Dismissive: they do not have to listen to you because you will figure this out anyway.

The additional workload and your growing resentment for these humans and their lack of productivity is not your biggest problem. Your biggest problem is how you feel about yourself.

When we unconsciously train people to dump their responsibilities on us, we back ourselves into a corner where

1. We feel invisible: our hyper-efficiency seems to replace our humanity
2. We feel unattended: our needs do not get space to be expressed because our language and lifestyle only leave room for the day’s responsibilities.
3. We feel dismissible: our presence becomes a role that can be filled by anyone else. To retain our space as this insecurity sets in, we become over-protective, violent, and manipulative, or we play the underdog and take on more responsibilities (leaving them handicapped) so no one can live without us.
4. We feel unheard: with hyper-efficiency comes a subtle nagging habit that people find quick ways to block out. Subsequently, both our nags and our cries do not count.
5. We feel untouched: there is exhaustion from doing too much, but it also feels like you are tipping over from being full of yourself — all the words you have had no one to share with.

In a romantic relationship, this can play out as one partner unconsciously being the parent. Well, the downside is that your sex life goes down the drain because no one is sleeping with their parents under the right conditions.

If you sound like Mama, you get Mama’s treatment. Well, if you sound like Dad, you inherit Dad’s beef.

This means when your partner’s mind begins to overlap your personality and their parents, they are likely to treat you the same way as that parent. You will be treated based on any residual hurts, love, unresolved trauma…etc.

Communicate what you mean.

Do you want a job done? Be honest in your assessment and honestly delegate it with a timeline. If your staff cannot do their job, you let them go or train them (if they are willing to learn). You cannot pay someone whose job you have to do.

With your kids, let them know why and the consequences — we often try to punish them for a habit we never trained.

Do you have a fixed time for doing the dishes in your household? For example, If it is not a routine task, it is no wonder no one is sure if it will be required. In the case where you shout, you do not seem upset about the plates but how scattered your life seems to be.

If you need help with your romantic partner, articulate what and why without being manipulative. Saying you will give sex when a task is done is transactional (if that is your deal, it is fine). On the flip side, you can negotiate sexually without your partner feeling cornered.

If you have a project to submit and your wife is ovulating that week, you could negotiate to have her do some research while you formulate the documents. You both spend time together, understand your work schedule and still have enough time to be touchy.

Be seen, heard and touched.

Some people who shout when speaking (especially during emotional moments) do so to be heard above the tension in the room.

People who are very quiet when upset would argue there is no reason to shout, but we forget that silence can be strident. You can explain yourself, and someone will give you such a circumscribed response that you feel like screaming.

Verbally expressive people will shout, while quieter people will give silent treatments. Either way, both scenarios prevent us from connecting.

Contrary to Hollywood, shouting does not make the sex better but it makes the hurt normal.

The media has trained us to believe that makeup sex is fantastic when emotions are running high. When your emotions run high, you have a cocktail of hormones flooding your system at once — anything can feel amazing. Now, add sex with all its biological power to that cocktail, and you will crave a fix.

Naturally, this should be great, but the problem is you and your partner did not solve the problem. This tells your brain to shelve this problem and future problems like this (based on generalization) as unimportant. If you pile them up long enough, you will have hot sex and hot hurts.

Normalizing sex in toxic moments also tells your biological system that the reward of toxicity is sexual pleasure.

This means every time you are in an emotionally toxic moment (if you make this routine), you are less likely to leave because there should be some pleasure trophy at the end.

When you do resolve the conflict, however hard it was, by all means, have sex all you want — you are likely not to feel as high because the hormone cocktail might have started dissipating from working through the problem. Let the peace you now experience chart a new course.

To be seen:

1. Be helpful, but let them be too.
2. Teach them the type of feedback that makes you feel seen.
3. Periodically, change your rhythm — the shock effect always works (fashion, time and helping differently can do this).
4. Do exclusive things together that eliminate distractions (this works even with your kids).
5. Share your emotions and stories, however raw they may be — it fosters generational healing even.
6. Mention when you feel invisible in calm moments when they are attentive, and tell why you felt that way.

To be heard:

1. Say what you mean and stand by it.
2. Recognize the difference between emphasis and nagging.
3. Give logical reasons instead of commands — people pay more attention
4. Speak to the individual and the situation, not to the whole room or every error before that — the latter is throwing a tantrum and hustling for a city party. Besides, people have a right to emotional defence (ignoring your voice) when berated.
5. Listen to them: if you feel misunderstood or unheard, there is a likelihood that they feel that way because you would have acted out your feelings unconsciously. The willingness to listen to them will create an opportunity for you to air your side.

To be touched:

This is more sexually applicable

1. Touch and ask to be touched. Stop being so calculative that you forget to gaze and hold.
2. Focus like you want to be nowhere else but in their presence. Distractions are our way of emotionally escaping a physical trap — do not make them feel like their presence is a trap.
3. Lean in bodily — speak and listen with your body as well
4. Get in sync with their body — your body can naturally imitate a person if you allow yourself to get enamoured with them.
5. Rest: stop being agitated like a trauma will pounce on you, except there is a possibility. In this case, you should have left the room by now.

You are constantly tired because you trust no one with responsibilities, love everyone practically, do not let people fuss over you and are emotionally starved of basic things like being heard, seen and touched (even by friends). You forget that love is amazing but even love needs a nap.