I do not know when it began but I have transitioned from the cowardly version of myself that would alter her voice so as not to come off as strong.

I remembered hearing my voice (my completely uninterrupted/ uninfluenced opinion) for the first time in 2020 — it was a conversation and at the back of my head was a very quiet but strong opinion clearly articulated. For hours I could not get over it; beyond the crowd and the literature, there was my voice.

Then, I had a new problem — accuracy. It was not just okay to own a distinct voice if I had no solid content. I knew a few things but needed more than a few to integrate the topics that appealed to me in broad terms. So I knew it was time to get width & depth; it was not a case of one or the other but a necessary this and that situation.

The trick here was to shut up my mouth ( not say crap and discredit myself), get to work (not store up information yet not comprehend how to disseminate it) and practice (not get lost in the shadow of role models, critics or previous experiences).

I would not say I succeeded or that I failed because that would be a gross simplification of my process; I evolved. Beyond my voice or my content, my person evolved creating a chain reaction in the people I was already connected to and the platforms I was building.

Why did I start writing this? I was following my thought process and I began to wonder if it was possible to freeze ‘my person’ right now so I could have an intellectual before and after particularly in thirteen and twenty-three years.

I am not speaking of certifications — I am still intrigued by those but not as obsessed as when I aimed for them as a substitute for my internal cowardice.

Well, how did I measure cowardice? I would say how much I sought external reference for my internal curiosity (a constant search for someone/something that looked like what I wanted and a heavy dose of self-critiquing of how long it was taking me to level up like someone was putting me on the clock)

At this moment, I see that my bravery began when I began to understand the results I wanted as opposed to the appearance I wanted to project (the latter is hidden in the former but can quickly usurp all resources if not contained).

This is a note in time to this moment; 4:45 am, 6th June — I am fundamentally impressed with myself and I hope I remember this when I have to deconstruct my present learning and axioms so that I can evolve into the version of me I would love to meet in 13 & 23 years.