Consent: the sexual extrovert of a relationship

To consent is to give permission and to agree with something.

When you respond with silence when asked a question, it is considered an agreement in most places — that is not how sexual consent works.

Sexual consent is verbal permission or written agreement between adult partners to engage in sexual exploration without employing coercion, blackmail, or physical force.

By this definition, even a sex worker (male or female) can withdraw consent. When you look at sex from the standpoint of consent, a Sex Slave, a Submissive and an Initiator take on new definitions.

Sex slavery

A sex slave is a person who is unable to withdraw sexual consent at any given moment. Even if they can, the withdrawal of consent is based on the approval of the Lord.

A sex slave is a person who lacks sexual autonomy.

Although slavery (and all its variants) is a legal crime in every sensible nation, sex slavery is still being perpetrated as it does not require physical chains to operate, contrary to assumptions.

A person can lose sexual autonomy when:

Trafficked: a trafficking victim usually has no coordinates about their physical location and may have already been drugged, threatened and physically guarded such that escape is synonymous with death.

Drugged: a person drugged with synthetic aphrodisiacs will have the characteristics of a very horny person without the correct control of their mind or body.

This loss of control and insane desire for sex makes them susceptible to all levels of sexual exploration and degradation that they might otherwise never consent to.

Many times, this level of abuse applies to trafficked victims and forced sex workers. If a person keeps getting drugged, their biological system will get compromised, which might result in an addiction that is hard to recover from.

Misinformed: sex workers have severally been misinformed about the scope of their sexual services until contracts are signed. Depending on the physical force adapted and the recruitment format, sexual autonomy might be impossible as well.

Many rescued trafficked victims who were not kidnapped have had stories of being misinformed about the nature of their jobs during recruitment.

Submissive

A submissive is a consenting adult who has agreed to explore BDSM with another adult known as the Dominant (male) or Dominatrix (female).

This relationship is one where the submissive agrees to trade their power and sexual autonomy because they trust the dominant and have established boundaries or safe words to indicate boundaries if in an explorative zone.

A submissive is a consenting adult who trades sexual autonomy for exploration with a chosen dominant.

This means a submissive to Person A is not a submissive to Person C except otherwise agreed upon.

This is like the equivalent of outsiders asking your romantic partner to speak with them or defer to them as they do to you — they are asking for power outside their jurisdiction.

Initiator

An initiator is the sexual extrovert of a relationship. This person does the asking, seducing, appealing and convincing of the other party.

However, this becomes tricky when the other person feels coerced or says yes to satisfy the initiator and end the soft harassment.

Soft harassment: in this case, is when a person feels wearied by the sexual overtures of a person they feel affectionate towards.

Harassment is never soft. However, I opine that the affection and consensual romantic relationship makes it feel less harassing. Unfortunately, some partners go beyond merely asking persistently and seducing their partners to raping their partners (taking away their sexual autonomy).

It is also not soft harassment when the initiator is not in a romantic relationship with the person they are initiating sex with. It is sexual harassment and it is rape when forced penetration happens.

Quid Pro Quo Sexual harassment: this is when someone offers incentives in exchange for sexual favours but is not outrightly paying (like they would a sex worker).

This can go from asking for gifts and promising great sex in exchange to blackmailing a partner with the promise of sex as bait. Also, realize this is different from gratitude sex.

Gratitude sex is when a person is ecstatic and decides to thank you bodily. It is not planned (on most occasions) and is consensual (on all occasions).

Say Yes, Boldly.

I taught a class two years ago titled “Say yes with your chest”. In Nigeria, to do anything with your chest means to do it with boldness and face the consequences with that same boldness — whatever it may be.

If you want your NO to have weight, your YES must carry the same weight.

When you say anything, mean it so much it cannot be contradicted.

Sex abuse is hard to prove because victims don’t have pieces of evidence. Sexual evidence is hard to get or collate — every piece must be taken seriously.

If someone touches you wrongly, smiling when telling them to stop does not pass the message because communication is more body language than words. Sitting down there and acting coy is confusing everyone (yourself included).

The same is true for when you are trying to seduce someone — we do not know what you are doing! Are you seducing or thinking about it? Are you imagining what it will be like or do you want to find out? Your indecision is stressing the other person!

Indecision is a message.

Silence is often considered an affirmation. Also, choosing silence is relinquishing control for the other person to fill it up with whatever they deem fit.

Whenever there is a conflict, I ask the misunderstood person if they took the time to explain. On several occasions, they do not. But they get upset that they were misunderstood.

What did you say when advances were made at you? What was your body language saying? Did you mean what you said? Did you look like you meant what you said?

When you make no decision, you invite the other person to sit in the driver’s seat on behalf of both of you.

A sexually indecisive partner looks like cheap sex until you realize they are also time bombs — they can claim they refused, and you persisted — instantly accusing you of rape.

If he cannot verbalize it, let him be. If she cannot verbalize it, let her be.

Why people are sexually indecisive:

1. Irresponsibility: if they do not say yes or no, they can choose to swing in any direction later, and you will not be able to call them liars.
2. Fear of shame: the fear of being considered promiscuous makes a person relinquish their sexual autonomy so that way, they can get in the follower’s position (this is not a bad thing as long as consent is obtained).
3. Doubt: This is predominant when a person is not convinced about what to expect sexually or has doubts about their partner. The ideal thing is to let them confront their doubt so they do not pin it on you.

Resolve

No law says a sexual decision is always affirmative. You can like a person, be sexually attracted to them and tell them you are not ready. If they pressure you, perhaps it is time to review the priorities of the relationship.

Married people always have conflicts about the borderlines of sexual autonomy — when does autonomy become starvation?

When your partner uses sex for manipulation: it can play out as them offering sex in place of apologies or giving sex only as a reward. Either way, sex is withheld or released only on the basis that they get their way (against your will).

When your partner’s autonomy disregards your sexual needs: this can play out as constant physical absence, taking on more workload professionally, showing up only when physically burned out, and not caring about the effects on you.

It is considered disregard when they can do something about it or negotiate with you but do not.

When your partner is sexually satisfied without you: this is generally considered cheating in monogamous relationships. Sexual satisfaction here can be derived from external sexual partner (s) and masturbation. It may or may not include pornographic content. It is not always an addiction, either.

The Oxford Languages Dictionary defines resolve as deciding firmly on a course of action.

Going forward, make a sexual resolve per situation and verbally declare that resolve until there is no confusion.

Do you want sex? Ask and initiate. Has your partner asked and initiated? Accept or reject it (add reasons if there are any).

Quit acting like you lost autonomy.