If you must thrive

If you must thrive

At the beginning of my career, I focused solely on working with teenagers because I did not trust myself with older people (that changed quickly). What was alarming was the rate of conflict between them and their parents.

As I started working with more older people, it was interesting to know they had a similar tension with their parents — parents who do not listen, see, or hear them in pain.

This phenomenon did not stop in the home front but began to spill into professional settings and every relationship with an authority figure. Objectively, most relationships have authority figures — you must figure out how to live with authority.

By the time I started niching down to sex therapy, I saw and heard blind authorities — leaders who wanted people to function a certain way but never checked why they could not.

This looked like parents who wanted their children to have certain temperaments and dispositions but never checked for an abuse history or bosses who wanted their staff to be assertive but had no inbuilt system to receive feedback without turning to blackmail and aggression.

As a therapist, I think both parents and bosses might require their version of personalized therapy — I will discuss that in another piece.

A good percentage of my clients listed their parents as part of their stressors, the same way #TGIF tells us how much people think work is a stressor and want to get away.

There were a few questions I could not shake off

1. Are parents stressors?
2. Are all authority figures the same?
3. Are the relationships bad or are the communications just terrible?
4. Can these relationships be reformed?
5. How much of this conflict is influencing our decision to live alone?

It is not a new concept that when we cannot fight a person, we project the fight on anyone who resembles them or performs a similar role with whom we have an audience.

Example: If you had overbearing parents, you are likely to fight with your partner every time they correct you in a voice that reminds you of your parents — you are fighting your parents at that moment, but your partner is the one you have an audience with.

Even as a sex therapist, sessions would lead my client and me back to parental altercations — they did not see me hurting. Honestly, it hurts to be invisible, but to be fair to your parents, did you tell?

In the piece Generational Healing, I invited you to review your parent’s story because the parent you have may be a hurting parent who is merely coping. If that is the case, they might be more emotionally disconnected than you realize.

How is this connected to thriving? Relationships will continue to have authority figures both at home and at work. You will be the authority figure by age, experience, designation and ideology one day. You need to master navigating that environment rather than absconding from it — another coping mechanism we have all picked up.

Know the conflict: as little as this sounds, it is difficult for most people (young and old) to articulate the problem they are trying to fix.

Some people will even find it disrespectful if you ask them what the real problem is. Sometimes, the problem is what they are complaining about. Other times, the problem is between the lines — search for what is most repeated while they speak.

Know what you cannot give or compromise: the younger has to make sacrifices for peace to reign. The implication of this unspoken rule is we have younger people who feel bullied, trapped and enervated.

When a person feels this way, they need to regain power even if they have to overthrow someone. A good example is how we fight for our finances because our finances can buy back some autonomy in some relationships and reduce the pressure to sacrifice our voices and opinions.

Know what you are willing to give: I would naturally start here, but I have found most people do not know what they want but have more grasp on what they do not want. Eliminate what you cannot give and what you can give is all that will be left.

Now that you know what you can give, is it relevant to solving the chaos on the ground? Can it placate the other party? If they want more, can you convince them to take what you can afford to give of your time, energy and resources now?

NEGOTIATION

This is the crux of this piece. Negotiation is a constructive attempt at bringing the other party to see things from your point of view with the sole intention of reaching an agreement that will serve your purpose for beginning the negotiation.

It is not a negotiation if you have no power, nothing to offer or lose. A good negotiation is a win-win situation where both parties forego something while gaining something.

So, please do not continue reading if you will not forego anything for your relationships to work.

With relationships (familial and professional), a good negotiation addresses the problem, proffers a long-term solution/mid-term one and ensures the parties do not lose sight of the benefits of that relationship.

You will keep sweeping things under the carpet until you start to pick each conflict and fight for a solution. The more chaos you hide, the more you make room for that relationship to fracture and be a source of discomfort until discarding it looks easier than fixing it.

We would have fewer irreconcilable differences if we fixed chaos instantaneously.

Not fixing the problem says that the conflict is not that important and if it is important enough to break the relationship, you can be without the relationship.

Negotiating Appropriately

1. Stay focused: we all play dirty during conflicts because we want sympathy. Refuse to emotionally blackmail anyone and refuse to be emotionally blackmailed by the theatrics.
2. Descalate: you have a point to prove, but if this gets any more escalated, rest assured no party will be heard. If silence works the magic, let it be so.
3. Pick your fight: regardless of what is outside, remember what topics you will go to war for. If your non-negotiables are not touched, start processing where you can compromise.
4. Talk: This does not successfully happen during the altercation but later. This is where you acknowledge their grief and yours. Your grief is valid.
5. Regroup: you will be shocked how many people hate to hear they are wrong — send a letter, text or email. The rule of thumb is to be professional — no insult, condescending voice, or pettiness (facts only). This is a hard road because the letter will always be evidence, but it is also the easiest way to articulate yourself at your pace without being interrupted).
6. Boundaries: I realize how difficult it is to convince some people or stop them from negatively affecting your mental health. So, I recommend putting a physical and emotional boundary line you will not let them cross.

A relationship has become a threat to you when it makes your life feel insignificant to the point of wanting death.

If a relationship frustrates you to the extent you imagine dying to get out, you have been in the wrong place for too long. Please see your mental health provider.

Some other relationships that frustrate you might require you to get personalized conflict resolution coaching — please do so.