Personal Integrity
Personal Integrity
In 2022/2023, there was a trendy audio clip saying “How will they know; they will never know!”
People were proud that no one would find them out and that is exactly the problem! If nobody sees you misbehaving and you do not tell them, you get doomed at a micro level till it just ‘kabooms’ one day.
I am not saying you should go about telling everything to everyone. You should be picky but some people are worthy of knowing your stuff.
I tell my clients all the time that most people lack integrity but they have the fear of shame.
They do not care but they do not want people to think they do not care. They cheat on their partners but they do not want people to find out. They do not mind manipulating someone as long as it does not come off as manipulation. They do not mind stealing as long as it cannot be traced to them.
False Integrity looks like integrity until you ask “How will they know?”
Many of us will never break bad habits until we do the right thing regardless of who finds out or not.
Therapy will not even help you if you leave your therapy sessions and still live out of congruence with yourself.
Three signs that show you lack personal integrity
- You only make promises to other people and never to yourself. Why? The shame of them calling you out keeps you accountable but with yourself, you do not have accountability.
- You are a different person in every environment — your truth is location-sensitive.
- You feel the need to blackmail other people to show up for you because you usually need people to emotionally blackmail you into acting right.
The Fear of Shame Versus Personal Integrity
Would you still have integrity if no one would look at you and point fingers? If not, you have merely been afraid of being subjected to shame.
If your partner will never find out, will you cheat? If yes, you were never faithful.
The difference between recovering from an addiction and staying tethered to it many times is personal Integrity
Our inability to have and manifest personal integrity is one of the core reasons why we stay stuck — WE GIVE PEOPLE THE POWER TO SHAME US!
We beg them to shame us because without their shame, we do not have the inherent discipline to behave right and that can spiral downward quickly as we become magnets to abuse.
Shame has conditioned humanity for millennials. It is the reason the Igbo’s had an Osu (outcast) system so there will be no crimes like paedophilia, rape etc. It is the reason we still have prisons. It is the reason the naughty corner is a dreaded punishment for children — everyone looks at you through the lens of your crime and because you do not want to be looked at that way, you act right.
Pride or Power?
Do you want to brag about how much personal integrity you have or do you want to be surrounded by people who renew your integrity? Understand that community is a power tool. I need you to use it.
Every few weeks, I run into someone who believes they are not easily influenced and I find them interesting because how can a person live without guardrails unless they are truly careless with their lives?
The way to manage influence is to know that you can be influenced and then strategically, choose your influencers.
If a community is made up of people why should they not shame you and emotionally blackmail you as I highlighted earlier?
- They know you (where you are coming from and where you are attempting to go). These people are not just random people waiting to see whose errors are trending on social media so they “cut off” the person.
- They understand your hurts, triggers and healing journey and will never use that volatile information to trip you. This is where people earn the right to be your friends — they must have earned your trust and you must have shared your vulnerabilities.
- They know how to get you back on track if you fall off (slip back into an old addiction etc). These people usually know what matters most to you and how to motivate you.
Can you see how people can keep you accountable without making you feel stupid, sick or blackmailed?
Why you do not have a support system
Telling your friends that you tripped or broke a certain personal promise is very vulnerable because they now know you are not flawless.
We all wear masks every day — false bravery (looks like aggression), structured sexiness (looks like playing hard to get), nonchalance (looks like ignoring people when you are in reality, ignoring your needs) etc.
Every time you admit a flaw, you lose a mask and that is scary because your mask gives you a certain value in people’s minds (at least, that is what you hope for). You are not merely afraid to lose your mask and be vulnerable — You are afraid of losing credibility.
Ask yourself though “Do I want power or do I want my pride?” If you have a carefully chosen community, every vulnerable moment will give you power and pride instead of forcing you to choose power or pride
Building your support system
I do not think you want everyone to care about you in real life. Every person who cares about you = a relationship (whether you are conscious or not).
Every relationship comes with responsibilities and a voting right about one or two things in your life. Everyone caring about you means everyone lovingly has opinions and that is SCARY!
If everyone should not care about you, does that mean no one should? That is another extreme.
You are a social creature — this is not the same as being the life of the party, a social butterfly or an outgoing person; it means you have actual humans who care about you, who are your support systems and that you feel connected to.
How do you discover who this people are in your present friendship circle
- If you were in the hospital for the next three months, who would unfailingly be at your bedside?
- If you were getting married, launching an initiative, or relocating to another city at the other end of the world, who would touch their savings to be there for you?
- If you got a piece of amazing news right now, who would you call?
- If you were just diagnosed with cancer, who would you confide in while you process the shock?
Lastly, do you acknowledge these people who care about you or do you just assume they will always be there?
I know you are a person of integrity who does what they promise but I want you to service your relationship with honour so if you ever lose guard, you would already have guardrails.
Got any questions? Ask me anonymously.