Sham Self-Care
Sham Self-Care
As someone in the wellness industry, watching what people focus on (myself inclusive) is alarming.
Every few weeks, I get to work with someone who is professionally burned out, sexually frustrated and emotionally overwhelmed. When I ask when they felt cared for recently, the response is always about the last time they splurged on themselves.
I love how much we have advocated for mental health and self-care in the last few years, but I would also be unfair to you if I did not confront the sham self-care routines.
A skincare brand I had access to released a product line once when this woman came complaining about the bath wash not making her skin “glow”. In her defence, a friend got a similar brand and is now significantly more light-skinned than she is.
She did have a solid case when you look at self-care through the eyes of competing brands who catered to the whims and caprices of clients but is it self-care when you could be feeding your skin down the route to some dermatological or cancerous explosion?
The same thing applies to how we cater to trauma — find new ways to avoid healing. I am more likely to get people to travel to another state or explore some sexual fantasy than I am likely to get people to confront their addiction.
At the beginning of my career, it used to frustrate me to watch people explore everything except the solution.
It is still common for me as a therapist to meet people who want me to cater to their trauma instead of speaking about healing.
When you say self-care, what do you mean? Understand that every wellness company runs an advert that sells their product.
In a world where we have brand mastery and a thousand Degrees in advertising from every University, surely you do not expect those adverts not to influence you.
As an undergraduate, they had come to sell some miracle sanitary towels in the girls hostel that could clean out the vagina. Huh? Are you all kidding right now? THE VAGINA IS SELF-CLEANSING! It is not a water bottle that needs a custom brush for scrubbing the insides, but that’s neither here nor there. Right?
I was reading through an online forum once when a young lady asked how to make her vagina smell like a garden. I was startled that this was thought enough to become an enquiry on a public platform. Now, imagine how many people never asked and tried stuffing things inside their vaginas.
A few years back, there was an internet joke that the easiest way to swindle a man was to sell him fake penis enlargement or erectile dysfunction treatment. Why? Shame about the condition will never let him publicly ask for a refund.
Someone somewhere is always trying to milk your vulnerability. So, the sooner you can admit what you are susceptible to, the easier it will be to avoid the sham routine anyone will attempt to sell to you.
These look like extreme examples until you pay attention to your self-care routines.
You are not caring for yourself when you forget sleep is better for your mind than caffeine, and eating healthy and on time is more self-care than lacing your system with supplements.
You have a sham self-care routine when you prefer friends who reinforce your trauma instead of friends who will push you to confront them.
Your self-care mantra is questionable when you would please people rather than admit that your mind is overwhelmed. You do not care about yourself when you focus on looking happy rather than confronting the depressive bouts you have been experiencing.
Self-care means simply caring about your humanity and your functionality as a person. Everything that tampers with your life (pulls you towards death) and the quality of your life (your ability to enjoy breathing) contradicts self-care
Before you buy another product advert that excites you or book your next cruise, ask yourself these four questions:
- What problem am I trying to solve with this? If that problem has a biological or psychological solution, that is where you should be focusing your energy regardless of how long it takes.
- Will this solve the problem permanently or is this a new subscription? Whatever you need to stay tethered to without hope of being able to live without is likely not healing you (especially without medical instructions). Even great activities such as work, sex and even sleep can be ways you have been medicating your problems.
- Will this be an option if I am not influenced? Yes, we all get influenced, but it is vital to notice when self-care becomes group or social care. A good measurement tool is how pressured you feel to do that thing.
- What is the effect of this on my future? Please have fun by all means. But, if this can negatively impact the life you want in twenty years, it is not a self-caring adventure. You want to ensure you are having fun and not escaping.
Good self-care experiences will never jeopardize your health, mind, body or even sexual pleasure in the long run.
Even as someone in the sexual wellness space, there are people in that same space whose content I cannot consume because they are barely different from Porn. I tell my clients every time that any sex therapist who cannot work with them without the use of erotic content should be labelled a vendor.
In every industry, there are professionals and then, there are predators. Knowledge is what saves you from a predator.
I have had a doctor of psychology claim he could help me heal sexually if I let him touch me without penetrating my vagina — a person’s title, graphics design, and website is not what qualifies them as your care provider.
Did you review them? Will they help you care for yourself? Does that brand have plans to make you well or is it just another sham self-care plan?
On the Liza Express FAQ Page, we have a category Titled Your Rights as a Counsellee with this question — Do I have to tell my therapist everything? Which we answered below
“No. However, be aware that what you withhold might hamper the intervention you are both creating.
So, here are a few things to watch out for before you spill your guts
Comfort: do you feel comfortable with them? Do you feel heard when you speak to them? Do you feel empathy? Can you trust this person to be a guide? Have they earned that position as your guide?
The first session is for your therapist to gauge if they can help you, but it is also yours to gauge if you are comfortable and can trust them.
Security: do you feel safe? If it is a physical session:
- Are they recording you without your consent?
- Are they gaslighting/ emotionally blackmailing you?
- Is this person magnifying your insecurities in a way that makes you feel like you will be helpless if you need them?
- Is this person touching you without your consent or making sexual advances at you?
- Is there a third party within the facility (even if it’s a security guard)?
If it is an online session, pay attention to comfort and always ensure you consent/not consent to official recordings.
Therapy is emotional, it is raw, and it requires vulnerability. The last thing you want is to get hurt during therapy. So, feel free to scrutinize your therapist like you will a neurosurgeon who is to help you heal from a brain tumour.”
Do not just treat your therapist and coach with this level of thoroughness but everything else that contributes to your self-care.
