When Healing Stops

When Healing Stops

I had advocated that healing was a journey for so long that even I began to forget that journeys come to an end at some point.

I was under the erroneous assumption that healing is bound to happen over a lifetime. Therefore, I made no plans to teach my clients how to live in a healed place.

I knew how to identify the trauma, prevent the triggers, see the patterns, and block out the toxic people. However, I did not remember to tell them that one day, they had to learn to identify the green flags, open their hearts, throw their heads back and enjoy the sunshine — It was my fault because I only focused on the trauma since it was eccentric.

I was rewriting my Instagram bio last year, writing about generational trauma. Immediately, I realized I had switched from that to writing about generational healing. So, I went back to rewrite the bio again.

Why does it matter? Because the angle we focus on can quickly make us blind to all other angles. If I am getting blind, I want to be blinded by goodness. I cannot forget there is trauma as it is loud and it is all over the media. I can easily forget healing because more healing means more calmness or what we popularly call boredom.

What Healing Looks Like

Here are some definitions you will find online when you search for healing:

1. The process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.
2. Becoming whole again
3. Making whole again
4. To make free from injury or disease: to make sound or whole
5. To make well again: to restore to health
6. To cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome: MEND
7. To restore to original purity or integrity

In light of these definitions, we realize emotional healing will be to live and function again without being driven by previous traumas.

It is not the eradication of trauma or the loss of memory around the subject matter (like many people wish) but a progressive journey that leads the hurt to a restored mindset, stability and wholesomeness.

This is a little tricky as healing manifests differently for most as trauma does. So, what does healing look like?

1. Nightmares begin to fade not because you will them away or try hard to forget them by lacing yourself on sleep medication but because the fear in your subconscious is dissipating. When you are awake, the fear of the trauma no longer grips you like it used to.
2. You begin to notice that the world is not all dark and see that your world as a person has some light in it after all. You do not blackmail yourself to receive the light. You also do not hunt for the darkness like you used to.
3. You are more likely to see and list ways you have improved than you are to list ways your life is miserable. While this may begin as a conscious responsibility or assignment from your therapist, it soon becomes a norm.
4. Your triggers do not have the power they once had on you. While they might still trigger you, you are neither stuck nor helpless like you used to be.
5. You do not deliberately go in search of your triggers to see how much power they have over you. Self-taunting is something we do because we hate our feeling of powerlessness. So, we attempt to do it before someone else does it to us. Also, we do it to remind ourselves what we loathe about our lives. When you begin to ascend the desire to hurt yourself emotionally, you are healing.
6. You acknowledge what type of wrong choices you are susceptible to and are not too proud to ask for help.
7. You have a healthy community watching out for you.
8. You know when you are tempted to return to old patterns for comfort. But, you are willing to stay in discomfort for healing’s sake.
9. You are less ashamed of your past when speaking with yourself and others, whilst you do not dare to share it in the media.
10. You make decisions based on the future you want and not because of the past you have.

When Healing Stops

Healing stops when you are healed. You will not be in therapy for the rest of your life, nor will everyone be a reflection of your past. For that to happen, you need to define what milestones you would like to see to indicate progress.

Creating Healing Milestones

When my clients come for therapy, I always ask what they want. Not because they have not told me about their trauma but because I want to help them set a focus for where they are going.

If you have always dated wrong and gotten your heart broken, then dating right is a worthy goal. When you heal the self-sabotaging beliefs that make you date wrong, you are healed and the public display of that healing is dating someone who honours you and fights for what you both have.

In creating your healing milestones, focus on

1. The overall way you want your life to be different
2. The tiny steps you need to take to make that happen (you need a therapist here many times).
3. The kinds of relationships and expertise required to keep you taking those tiny steps
4. Celebrating your tiny steps (please do not celebrate by revisiting the trauma spot or abuser).
5. Enjoying the journey instead of wondering when you will hit the finish line (healing can be a long journey).
6. Making the sacrifices required every day instead of looking for a cheat day — there are no cheat days.
7. Recovering most — even if you have a relapse, do the right thing immediately after instead of mourning that this is not working
8. Eliminate your excuses. Annihilate them. Obliterate them as often as they arise.

References for Healing Definitions

1. The Meaning Of Healing: Transcending Suffering

Thomas R. Egnew, EdD, LICSW

2. Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary