Be Picky

Be Picky

As the world became more aware of mental health, the silent culture around abuse and the ensuing repercussions, we began to teach everyone to be vulnerable and that can be a counterintuitive strategy many times.

Every International Men’s Day, there will be a reenactment of all the ways men should speak up and I remember having a YouTube live conversation with Earl Alright about how to understand men and asking him “Have you earned the right to be spoken to?”

As upsetting as that question will be to some readers, it is a question I am about to apply to everyone in this piece — Have you earned the right to be spoken to by anyone?

Have you earned the right to know about their history with trauma and addictions, parts of their bodies they hate, health issues they have, the depression they are coping with etc?

Before you flare up about why your friends, lover, colleagues or kids do not speak with you, I need you to ask yourself again — Have I earned the right to be spoken to and if I did, did I retain that right across time?

The same question is applicable when you are the one with the story — Has this person I am speaking with earned the right to be spoken to? If they have, have they retained that right over time? It is important to not be sentimental about giving power to someone every day just because they used to have a powerful position in your heart.

To give someone your story or to share your vulnerable moment with someone is to say to them “This is how I have been disempowered before and it is possible to disempower me with this again”.

This is why telling our truth is hard because it is risking someone blackmailing us with something we loathe about ourselves or something that makes us cower and feel unworthy of the life we are striving to have.

I teach about opening up, being vulnerable, getting help, finding your community, being naked, falling in love again, recovering from trauma etc. but it would be totally unfair to sound like everyone is worthy of that version of you.

The problem is not being vulnerable but a question of whom you share your vulnerabilities with. So, here are a few things to look out for:

Do they listen?

An attentive listener

1. leaves each conversation with a bit of the emotion with which you spoke
2. consciously looks for solutions even if it means admitting they are incompetent to help and recommending external help
3. is more concerned about how it affects you than how it makes them look.
4. does not have to fill the silence with words because the silence is where absorption happens.

Time and Again, we have seen people use other people’s vulnerable stories as tools for bonding in other places with other people. Why? Because they are simply unworthy of the access given to them.

Does it always end up being about them?

You are talking to the wrong person when you start hearing questions and statements like

1. What will people think of you if this gets out? Firstly, this was not supposed to get out (except they are the abuser, of course).
2. how will you cope now? This is someone who is mentally absconding from the situation
3. If this had happened to me… we have all been guilty of this at different times but here is a good opportunity to SHUT UP.

Do they manipulate you afterwards?

As a younger therapist a few years back, I had spoken to a way senior colleague, A Dr of Psychology and at this time I had not even decided what area to major in so his opinions meant everything. Having an audience with him felt like meeting a celebrity (it was likely the last time I was a fan girl of anyone) and after talking for a while he said to me that day “he could help me heal my sexual fears if I would let him touch my clitoris without penetrating her vagina”

Even a professional can be toxic. I always tell my people “If a therapy session feels intrusive and abusive, it likely is” so stop telling yourself you are crazy. Here are a few ways to know if you are being manipulated with your story

1. They suddenly become bolder and have offensive conversations with you that have an undertone of “you have done this before so you might as well do it again”
2. They are less likely to apologize when you are offended and are quick to tell you that you are misinterpreting them yet, they do and say those offensive things again.
3. They emotionally blackmail you (this looks like using emotions you are already sensitive to like pain, shame, guilt and regret). Ask yourself “Will I do this if I am not feeling ashamed?” If your answer is no, you are succumbing to blackmail.
4. The lines become blurry — respect, decency, courtesy, etc. go out the window and you are never sure what to expect from them.

Do they seek your healing?

You have no business speaking about your trauma again to anyone who only wants premium gossip, wants to claim they know you or wants to know your dirt too. If they are seeking your healing

1. they will confront your self-sabotaging tendencies like self-pity, drama, returning to your trauma points etc. They are really not afraid to lose your friendship if it will help you straighten out.
2. they are your deputy therapists — they follow up on your professional caregivers by conversing with you so they can know the practical ways to keep you accountable.
3. they are very aware of your desire to heal and they retain the mental picture of what that looks like. So, every time you hit a relapse and feel like quitting, they know the picture to paint to you and they are aware of your successful milestones.
4. they are proud of your courage to heal than they are intimidated by it. This one is tricky because it only applies to people who are also deliberately healing.

Do they let you move on?

I am sure you have met or heard of those people who are very keen on reminding you how messed up you were and how you do not have a right to speak. You know a person supports your moving on when

1. They put your past in perspective — your age, experience, mentoring, environment etc. When they are done though, they remind you how those are now excuses at this level.
2. They are quick to shut you down when you start going down memory lane in an attempt to start a pity party.
3. They are quick to point out your present successes so consistently your past begins to fade.
4. They are prone to imagining you with the best now — they have no bias regarding the worth of your person and the value you can add to a space.

Now, that you know, do better — choose with whom you share your stories with the same intensity you will choose a life partner.

I am heavy on sharing but I am heavier on who you share with. No one qualifies to know your story simply because they share your last name, have a title, are available, are older, or are persuasive. They get your story because they earn the right to.

Perhaps I should write about how to let people earn your trust.

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If you have any questions, ask me anonymously.