Love is a fight!

Love is a fight!

When I was younger, I was of the school of thought that love comes and stays only if it wants to. My favourite analogy is, “If you lock your children in, they are not obedient but trapped”.

It took me a few years to realize there were moments when your children were safer trapped than exposed to hurt. While you cannot completely protect your children from harm, I can see the wisdom of asking your kids not to play outside in a neighbourhood riddled with gun violence. It is better to fight with a living parent than to die while exploring where the chances of death are constant.

There is an element of fight required to make loving relationships work. Yet, many of us are averse to conflict because we do not want to come off as aggressive. Is it not better to be aggressive and save each other’s lives?

Yes, I will always advocate assertive communication but damn this fear of conflict for once and fight the people you love if it will save them from their idiocy.

Too many of us are watching our friends, lovers, and families destroy themselves and saying we do not want to look like the bad guy. In 2024, I do not mind being the bad guy if it will make you sensible.

This is not violence; it is truth! How long will you watch your girl date that guy who is pulling her down and not say a thing because you are afraid of being labelled as a joy killer? It is better to be the joy killer now so no one can play the “I never knew” card.

Yesterday, I was having this conversation about not correcting people because we do not want them to be upset that we end up leaving them to self-destruct even though we had better vision than them.

People in a relationship with you expect you to be their extra pair of eyes to see what they miss, to analyze what they are sentimental about, and to critique what they are too attached to. To not do that is to be a figurehead.

We are so self-protective that we will ruin those who subscribe to personal relationships with us by our silence — that makes us unworthy of their trust.

If you cannot tell me the truth or fight me when I am stupid and destroying myself, you are unworthy of a relationship with me!

Fighting for those you love

For years, I thought it was a weakness for a woman to fight for her husband. If he wants to come home, He will. There is an element of truth in this.

However, I had a conversation with someone when I was about twenty-two years old about kids in danger and that me riled up. After the conversation, I started questioning why the children get to be fought for but not the father. Knowing everything that harms him will harm his kids?

In the play and subsequent movie, Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor by Tyler Perry, we find Judith (wife) dealing with massive temptation and Brice (husband) being unaware.

I have wondered a thousand times how their lives would have been different if Brice (despite his tiredness) had noticed the change in his wife’s sexual desires. If he had paid attention or if he had fought sexually, would Judith have been able to resist Harley?

On the flip side, I wonder if Judith had dared to fight for her marriage by telling Brice in full detail what she was dealing with, would they have come up with a strategy to help Judith overcome her temptation and not end up with Harley and contracted HIV?

Harley was not to be blamed because he only made their crack worse. Like I always say, As long as the substitute (the romantic intruder) has something to offer that one party in the relationship needs (especially when it is becoming a priority and their partner does not offer it), the substitute always has access.

Are you fighting for your relationship? Are you fighting for your kids? Are you fighting for your friends? Are you fighting for your community? If not, learn how to fight.

How to fight

1. Fight with truth: do not be ashamed to tell the truth (even if you have to look stupid while telling it). Brice was on Judith’s side and would have reacted differently if he knew what was happening. Also, when you are told the truth, refuse the urge to punish this person for their honesty. Rather, use that information to fight for the relationship.
2. Fight Vulnerably: let the people who are on your team know the weight of your pain so when they fight, they will fight with perspective and not undermine the situation. If it feels like a third-degree burn, then describe it like that and do not be unnecessarily mature.
3. Fight with integrity: do not resort to blackmail and scandals (like an abuser) to win. If you fight without integrity for those you love, even they will never trust you after that. Besides, when did two wrongs ever make a right?
4. Fight completely: do not fight only to the degree of gaining a personal benefit. As much as possible, eradicate the threat. If it is a relationship, end it. It would be absolutely unfair to give the abuser access to your person because you are sentimental.
5. Fight in words: let the person you are fighting for know you are fighting for them. Do not just walk around making calls and slamming doors. Let your children know their parents are on their side. Let your friends know you will stand by them. Verbalize your support so they go to bed at night with words they can remember.
6. Fight in deeds: this might not be a physical fight. But, I do agree some people need a bleeding nose (every once in a while). This, however, is doing everything necessary to ensure the fight does not get swept under the carpet. I am tired of hearing rape and murder cases get withdrawn from court because the families did not want trouble. Please, want trouble.
7. Mark boundaries: let it be evident to the world where you stand. Let people know that certain lines must never be crossed. And if they dare to cross it, let them know what is coming.

If we love the people we claim to love, we will fight them when they are silly and we will fight for them when they are weak.