I am defensive, not introverted.

It dawned on me last year during one of my meditations that what I call introversion when I was outside of my space was self-defence.

The older I got, the more introverted I became — I liked it because I spent more years as a child being shut up. As a teenager, I spent all my time being jealous of the quiet people.

At about twenty-three, I achieved equilibrium by being sufficiently noisy and quiet based on my environment and the importance of what I had to say.

That was a big deal for me because, at age eighteen, I tried to learn how to be an introvert so much I started hating my public disposition. It did not help that I always had leadership roles then.

By twenty-three, I had come into my own knowing the areas that required my focus which meant I had less energy to be everywhere. The one-way traffic part of my personality was now in the driver’s seat — are you important? If not, I was walking away like a bot.

By twenty-four, I lost my Dad — that was when the introvert I did not know I could ever become was born. I used to enjoy my company. Now, I was irritated that someone else was breathing in my room for longer than a few hours. If you want to see me, a video call works.

I started to recover from the grief. However, I enjoyed the results I could achieve when I was not distracted by people. So, I developed the habit of only seeing people during their important events and checking out.

The crazy part was that no single person could brag about being a better communicator than me across all my communities — I felt good. I knew I was loving way less than I could — They did not know how much capacity I had to love them (especially new friends) but, I did. I knew my relational track record and whatever I was giving out was mediocre when compared. Yet, I allowed it to continue.

So, this meditation last year was important as I was pivoting back into the public space as more than a creator — I was opening my space up again and opening my heart.

However, I was still playing the introversion card because I was checking out who was worthy of my energy, who would not deplete me, who would not trivialize my vulnerability and who could handle my nakedness.

You cannot be your best self wherever you have to lie. You cannot fully become or step into your power if you have to keep cutting yourself down.

I know how to be naked with myself — it is me; I want what is best for me, I am willing to strip myself of the false motivation, confidence, drama, rhetoric and aesthetics so I can see the depth of myself, the shadows and what needs filling.

Stripping myself of the false garb in front of other people who are fully clothed in their falsification and pointing fingers at me rather than acknowledging that underneath their layers are failures, fears and traumas that they do not know what to do with is what I am not excited about.

I am not introverted; I am defensive of my truth. I do not want to live a public lie so, I would rather stay in a private truth.

Maybe your friends are not introverted but you have not earned their trust. Also, your friends could be truly introverted — enjoy them because they are the balance to your chaos.