Every few weeks, I get the privilege of reading a story online of an abusive relationship and the comment section is where I go to learn — people’s similar stories, positions, and upbringings. A lot comes out on social media when we are stirred up.

Almost every time, people ask why the abuse has lasted till now.

There are a couple of reasons why an abuse victim stays — shame and the fear of being judged by you and I, lack of courage in their ability to restart life and lost identity. But today, I want to explore something we do not discuss: Love and Pleasure.

Every child victim whom a Paedophile groomed can tell you there was an element of joy to the experience — the environment for the abuse.

1. Conversations: the ability to have conversations beyond their age made them (however temporarily) feel more mature and intelligent. This became even more spicy when they were given the impression that these conversations were confidential (this secrecy allowed the abuser maximum access).
2. Gifts: while gifts are not a primary love language to everyone. Yet, gift receiving will always be an exciting experience for a child. Factor in the fact that this gift is edible on most occasions, and the child is expected to finish it before anyone else knows. Mind you, this child likely has to share all the time.

This piece is not about paedophilia. However, I want to draw a parallel because you still get groomed as an adult by most abusers. Some abuses are brash and crude — this makes them easier to hate and move forward from because you can boldly differentiate the abuser from yourself. It just gets tricky when your identity begins to get muddled up. So, let us dive in.

What is love to you? If you do not know what love is to you and are conscious of your definition, you are more prone to getting swept off your feet like the children described above. You are less likely to know when you are being manipulated.

Love Language

In most situations, a person’s abuser speaks their love language.

Let us assume the five love languages by Gary Chapman apply to just half the world. If they all speak those five languages at different levels, 4 billion people speak your love language. This also means 20% of that figure probably speaks your primary love language while another 20% speak your secondary love language.

Implication

1.6 million people are likely to be attractive to you even though they share different religious perspectives, have been abused, are abusers, are narcissistic, are interesting, are sexy, friendly, kind or not. Regardless of their story, you will share a resonance with them on how you want to be addressed and spoken to.

Takeaway

Just because they love like you love does not mean you owe them love.

Power Play

I am sure you have heard the phrase “opposites attract”. Well, that is true even in toxic relationships — the aggressive person shows up as a protective person — which is significantly attractive to the person who feels like they cannot protect themselves.

This can be the case with some domestically abusive relationships — the power play was endearing and significantly balanced at the beginning until one person began to request more power while the other felt threatened.

Now, it is easy to assume people are confident because they talk big or look tough — the measure of your power is seen by how quickly you submit your power to someone more powerful than even when they do not need it.

Power can be intellectual, emotional, sexual, social or physical.

Examples: Manipulators are intellectually and emotionally powerful. Playboys are sexually and emotionally powerful. Parents and Bosses are socially more powerful. Fighters are physically powerful.

Gauge your power

Implication

You are more likely to submit your power than you realize. If you are subjected to the influence of a more powerful person, you can be abused.

Abuse is a norm when unquestionable power meets ignorance.

Takeaways

1. You are very powerful in your way — study yourself!
2. Your potential to be abused is directly proportional to your awareness about yourself, your environment (emotional and physical) and the people you share those environments with.
3. Someone in almost every environment is always playing the power game — do not be unaware.
4. Choose who you submit to — choose your influencers and study who and what influences your influencer.
5. Their power is not enough reason to submit or be aligned with them.
6. There is a more powerful person or collective — find it when you realize you are weak.

Gift

They say givers never lack — a scary fact. A Paedophile who gives attention or fiances will never lack a child to molest.

As an adult, a person who gives you what you lack will always have access to you until you find alternative ways of meeting that need. Even in romantic relationships, if there is a lack within, there is a door for an outsider.

As long as the substitute (the romantic intruder) has something to offer that one party in the relationship needs (especially when it is becoming a priority and their partner does not offer it), the substitute always has access

Implication

Your area of thirst is where you are most susceptible to abuse. You are likely to refer to acid as water if it means you will drink something. This is why people see red flags and choose to be colour-blind — thirst.

Takeaway

Know when you are thirsty so everyone stops looking like a glass of water.

Pleasure

This is perhaps my favourite as a person because we are biologically wired to want pleasure and avoid pain.

However, we do not study enough to understand that

1. Certain pleasures are fixed — Sex and being able to afford your needs.
2. Pleasure can be a mask for pain.
3. We pursue extreme pleasure in one area of life as a substitute for what is lacking in another area of our lives.

Let me help you if you have ever had an orgasm during a rape experience and felt too ashamed to call it out.

1. Your logical mind could articulate the violation. However, the rapist was likely touching your body the way it wanted to be touched.
2. If it was penetrative (vaginal or anal), it was possible for the right nerve (set of nerves) that sends pleasure waves to your brain to have been stimulated.
3. Rarely touched nerves might have been stimulated in the process. This is possible if you are a virgin, have a sexual partner whose sexual organ does not fit firmly with yours, masturbate and have not been able to stimulate some nerves for a while… there are a myriad of reasons why this was possible.
4. The novelty of the experience piqued your imagination. Your imaginative mind wondered what it would feel like when you knew you could not win the fight any way you tried — a silent resignation happened subconsciously leading you to search for the silver lining.
5. New experiences are significantly scary as your mind is unsure what the result will be or the implication on your life. However, in that situation where you felt trapped, you were likely to have secreted multiple chemicals at once in an attempt to give your body the boost to fight back, run, enjoy it if you cannot run and mask the pain if there will be no pleasure. All of these chemicals getting shot at once into your system will create a high that is significantly pleasurable as if it were in a BDSM moment.

Implications

1. You are likely to return to a place where you once got pleasure because you are wired to want pleasure over pain (something that feels like death/can lead to death).
2. You are less likely to fight back if it does not feel life-threatening.
3. A person can be toxic and offer you the pleasure of a good conversation, sex, etc. Pleasure is not a substitute for personality but a show of skill, experience and opportunity.

Takeaway

Pleasure cannot be the only way you vet a person or decision. What is the long-term implication of this pleasurable activity or relationship?

Conclusion

A person in an abusive relationship can decide to stay based on the above reasons because these are sentimental, present or past benefits. However, to get out, a victim will need to multiply the downside of the present by the future.

Ten years from today, what would I look like if I allowed myself to be hit every day from today? How would I feel about my life in three years if I let myself keep getting raped? What choices will my kids make if they keep being subjected to this abusive marriage?